Relationship Realities

QUESTION:
Dear PopShrink,

I have been dating a handsome, charming, intelligent and very successful man for about 5 years now. We have an amazing life; we go to the best restaurants, travel, and do so many wonderful, exciting things. He is everything I want in a man. The problem is, he can be emotionally distant at times so its hard to talk about "us." I want to be married and have kids and he isn't sure that he does and whenever I bring up the subject he shuts down. I love him and the life we have, but its not enough. I'm not getting any younger, and I DO want to be married but I am scared that if I push him I risk losing him. Some of my friends say to break up with him and find a guy that does want to get married and have kids. But, what if I don't find a man that I love as much as I love him?

ANSWER:
When Carrie was dating "Mr. Big" she thought she found her dream man. And she really acted like he was an unattainable "dream" by placing him and his needs above hers. Rent the earlier years of Sex and the City and you will notice how much Carrie centers her life around Big; she analyzes his every move and mood. She also often brings up the fact that she feels she isn't good enough for him. (NOTE TO SELF: if boyfriend says he is moving to France for work don't pretend to be all cool about it by wearing a jaunty beret and bringing him Le Big Mac and French Fries, because when you lose your cool and proceed to throw the Mickey D's against his beautiful kitchen wall, it will just confirm that he thinks you are crazy). The thing is, Big never said that Carrie wasn't good enough, but she put that feeling out there by placing his needs first. It wasn't until she made the decision to move on and search for someone who wanted the same things that she did that he eventually decided to aggressively win her back. I'm not saying that your boyfriend doesn't love you, I'm sure he does. What I am saying is that you have to be true to yourself and love "you" first. If you want to be married and he doesn't, you must honor his feelings. You can not ever force someone to bend to your will because if they do, they will resent you for it. But you must also honor your own feelings, and move on. As cliche as it seems, if he loves you, he may come back and change his mind. If not, go out there and date. You will see how many men DO want to be married. Eventually you will find someone who shares your view of marriage. If you know HOW to love, then you will find love again. Be clear in what you want, and the universe will send it to you.