Friday, January 30, 2009

Burst her Bubble?


QUESTION:
Dear PopShrink,
My girlfriend is amazing and gorgeous, but she has a dream to be a famous actress and the truth is, she can't act! She's been in dozens of plays but most of them have been serious flops. Its getting to the point where our friends try to avoid going to her plays because they don't want to lie about telling her their opinions. How can I be a supportive and loving boyfriend while still helping her face the facts?


ANSWER:

First off, I gotta ask you, what makes you think that your opinion is a "fact"? True that you seem to have had some feedback from people you trust, but the "fact" is, they are still just opinions. I do believe that you have your girlfriend's best interest at heart, so maybe you are trying to protect her from making a fool of herself? Being a fan of American Idol, I know I have thought many times" WHY didn't anyone tell this person they can NOT sing!?" At the same time I also have a lot of respect for someone who goes after their dreams
. There are plenty of minimally talented actors out there who are on popular TV shows (I will refrain from naming names, for now) and movies and on the flip side, there are a lot of unemployed highly gifted actors. I believe the ones who get the gigs have the qualities that your girlfriend seems to have: looks, drive and tenacity. I'm sure even if she's as bad as you say she is, she would still be the best actor on a "reality" show like "The Hills" or "The City"

Friday, January 23, 2009

Conniving & Calculating Co Worker


QUESTION:
Dear Pop Shrink,

A few months ago, a new girl, let's call her Loren, was hired to work in our department. I thought Loren was nice and funny, so I hung out with her during our breaks and sometimes for happy hour after work. Most of our conversations revolved around work and she was constantly asking about the company, especially about the management and owners, and my advice about how to deal with them. At work, she was constantly asking me to help her get situated as she was pretty slow in understanding what she was hired to do. Feeling pretty confident about my abilities to do our rather complicated projects, I more than happily shared my expertise. Sean, my co worker who is normally a very sweet and friendly guy, kept his distance. A few weeks after Loren started, Sean came up to me during a break and offered this warning "Mark (a coworker in another department) went to high school with Loren and told me she's a total conniving bitch, be careful" Ever the optimist, I thought that being that she is now 24, she must have matured. Wow, was I wrong. A few weeks after this conversation, (during which Loren had been spending less and less time hanging out with me) I found out that she had been cozying up to our supervisors, AND the owners of the company showing off "what a sharp and fast learner" she was. Soon enough, they moved her up to supervise Sean and me and she showed her true colors. Suddenly, this once sweet girl is now condescending, impatient, and just all around bitchy. I hate that I helped create this monster, who is now my "boss". HELP!

ANSWER:
Right away your problem reminded me of an episode of Brady Bunch where Marcia helps the nerdy girl, Molly, with her confidence and social status by giving her a make over and introducing her to "cool." One of my favorite lines comes out of that story, when Molly lets her newly found popularity get to her head, becomes competitive and bitchy with Marcia and proceeds to tell her, "It doesn't matter how I got here Marcia, the point is, I've arrived!"
As with all Brady Bunch episodes, there is a happy ending (Molly realizes and acknowledges that Marcia was a good friend to her), but in real life, this is often not the case.

As for your co worker, unfortunately in real life, sometimes we do run into unscrupulous characters like this "Loren". As far as your role in creating a monster, methinks this person was a monster already...you may have just helped her rear her ugly head a bit sooner. If Loren is as obvious and perhaps incompetent as she seems, eventually the truth comes out. Your bosses didn't get to where they are by being stupid. Of course there is always a bit of office politics involved, so I would say, try to stay on the good side of the people who have power over this "monster" as well. That way, if she tries to make you look bad, you have allies in the people above her. In the meantime, show your company your best work and keep a positive attitude. Why don't you relax by inviting some friends over to build a house of cards, or go to a movie with your boyfriend George Glass? Or better yet, cleverly pack some beans and hot dogs in a few flashlights and take a quick trip to the Grand Canyon! Whatever you choose, just make sure you do not play ball in the house, because mom always said...

Monday, January 19, 2009

Relationship Realities

QUESTION:
Dear PopShrink,

I have been dating a handsome, charming, intelligent and very successful man for about 5 years now. We have an amazing life; we go to the best restaurants, travel, and do so many wonderful, exciting things. He is everything I want in a man. The problem is, he can be emotionally distant at times so its hard to talk about "us." I want to be married and have kids and he isn't sure that he does and whenever I bring up the subject he shuts down. I love him and the life we have, but its not enough. I'm not getting any younger, and I DO want to be married but I am scared that if I push him I risk losing him. Some of my friends say to break up with him and find a guy that does want to get married and have kids. But, what if I don't find a man that I love as much as I love him?

ANSWER:
When Carrie was dating "Mr. Big" she thought she found her dream man. And she really acted like he was an unattainable "dream" by placing him and his needs above hers. Rent the earlier years of Sex and the City and you will notice how much Carrie centers her life around Big; she analyzes his every move and mood. She also often brings up the fact that she feels she isn't good enough for him. (NOTE TO SELF: if boyfriend says he is moving to France for work don't pretend to be all cool about it by wearing a jaunty beret and bringing him Le Big Mac and French Fries, because when you lose your cool and proceed to throw the Mickey D's against his beautiful kitchen wall, it will just confirm that he thinks you are crazy). The thing is, Big never said that Carrie wasn't good enough, but she put that feeling out there by placing his needs first. It wasn't until she made the decision to move on and search for someone who wanted the same things that she did that he eventually decided to aggressively win her back. I'm not saying that your boyfriend doesn't love you, I'm sure he does. What I am saying is that you have to be true to yourself and love "you" first. If you want to be married and he doesn't, you must honor his feelings. You can not ever force someone to bend to your will because if they do, they will resent you for it. But you must also honor your own feelings, and move on. As cliche as it seems, if he loves you, he may come back and change his mind. If not, go out there and date. You will see how many men DO want to be married. Eventually you will find someone who shares your view of marriage. If you know HOW to love, then you will find love again. Be clear in what you want, and the universe will send it to you.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

WastedWoman


PROBLEM
Dear PopShrink Julie,

Every year, I like to examine my life and also set my goals. This year I realized that instead of moving forward, I've really fallen behind in what I want to accomplish. Its so hard because I don't have the patience to really wait for the things that I want, but at the same time I am worried that if I don't do the "right things" I will wake up and realize I've wasted a lot of time doing nothing!
What should I do?

Signed,
Wasted Woman

ANSWER:

Dear Wasted,
I recently watched The Wrestler, starring Mickey Rourke. It was a really amazing movie, brilliantly acted and directed, but IT SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME! No, not the bloody and violent, albeit it pre-fabricated wrestling scenes nor Mickey Rourke's bloated face on the big screen with his stringy blonde rocker hair and tight, fluorescent wrestler outfits, but what his life represented. An amazing life, just wasting away! And I mean that for both the character he played and for Mickey Rourke the man. He was once a gorgeous, sexy, and extremely sought after actor of his time. What happened? He didn't just wake up one day and suddenly his career and his looks were down the drain. That was a cumulative series of steps he took daily/weekly/monthly/yearly that led to his (and Randy the Ram's) demise. There were several lessons that I took home from the theater that day:
1) Take advantage of every moment to make yourself a better person in every aspect.
2) Do not live off of old accomplishments. Appreciate them and then make goals for more.
3) Know when to move on. If something isn't working, do something else until it does work.
4) Have a back up plan.
and most important:
5) Do not operate meat slicing equipment while emotionally traumatized over someone recognizing you as a has-been wrestler during your shift at the local grocery store's Deli Counter.

Take this new year to carefully decide where you want to be in the next 6 months/5 years/10 years and set goals that you can periodically check to make sure you are on track. And remember, even when you think its too late, IT'S NOT. Even Mickey is making his long awaited come back.