Icky-Ex-Issues

QUESTION:
Dear Pop Shrink:
I broke up with a boyfriend almost 4 months ago. Besides the fact that it was long distance, I was more challenged by how he was sometimes mean-spirited, especially when he was drinking. After more time together, I also found him to be immature. Although he didn't take the break up very well, he left me alone for the most part, with the exception of a few emails. I hadn't heard from him for some time, when out of the blue, he emailed me saying something to the effect of "not sure if you check this email, but I wanted you to know that if we got back together, I would be willing to move (to my state--he lives in another country)." When I didn't respond to him (I felt I made it clear why I broke up with him and it had little to do with distance), he replied "you suck, you're a loser and a waste of time." Should I even reply? I'm very irritated but don't want to encourage stalking behavior.

ANSWER:
Dear Icky-Ex-Issues :
As I've addressed before, stalkers and people who abuse their power are a serious matter, but unfortunately no matter who you are, you can be vulnerable to this stuff. This ex sounds a lot like "Cartman" from South Park, (is your ex an offensive chubster with a strong disdain for Jews, Hippies and Ginger Kids?) someone who has no boundaries and uses his powers for no good. In many episodes he tortures poor Kyle, including creating a song and dance about his mom "Kyle's Mom is a Big Fat Bi$#D!" just because he is Jewish. Ahhh, you are thinking, "but this guy was my BOYFRIEND and Cartman and Kyle are just FRENEMIES" And yet there IS some kind of Love-Hate bromance thing going on as Cartman shows he also has a need/want to be around Kyle. Many episodes revolve around Cartman doing something to torture Kyle, but he can not deal with the thought of being ignored by him. The best revenge on Cartman was when Kyle and the rest of the gang pretend he doesn't exist. Evil, like Cartman, can not live if you don't give it energy. Hang out with your closest friends and fam, and find a partner who is supportive and respectful of your feelings. And definitely ignore your-own-private-Cartman. He'll wise up soon enough and move on (probably to torture poor Butters)

Top 5 TV boyfriends

Petered-out-Pals

QUESTION:
Dear P.S.
I have a friend with whom I used to be close, but we don't spend much time together anymore and neither one of us really makes the effort to stay in touch. We live in the same city, but we just don't spend any time together. When I look at her life and at mine, I see more differences than I see similarities. We just don't have much in common anymore. When we do hang out, or have spent time together, I don't enjoy myself and I find it more of a chore than a good time. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Part of me wants to "break up" with her as a friend, but she hasn't done anything to me that merits such action. But I just don't see how we can be friends anymore. Do I just let the friendship die out naturally?

ANSWER:
Dear Friend,

If you were once good friends, can you remember the reasons why? Other than common interests sometimes friends are important just because they are supportive and are great company. Look at Joey and Chandler. They had opposite views on relationships; eternal bachelor and happily married man. As for careers, Joey was a working actor and Chandler was a...he worked at the...well, he, ummmm....what DID Chandler do? Anyway, when they did start to "break-up" it was mostly because Joey's career success had him going in a different path... and moving into a new apartment. But they finally realized they had a strong bond and lots of memories that kept them together. And they just really LIKED each other. If you find that you can't come up with things you can enjoy with her/him or just plain don't like this "friend" as a person then it IS time to move on. And no worries about ending it. Friends are people you are supposed to enjoy. Otherwise they would have called the show "People-I-sort-of-like-but-not-really"

Dating Dramas

QUESTION:
Dear Pop Shrink,
I'm noticing a pattern with my buddy's dating habits and I'm not sure what I should do about it. He's dated a few women now who seem really cool with him, and get along well with his friends, but who have some deep issues and bizarre behavior that comes out eventually. Like some scary "Fatal Attraction" stuff. And then he's dated some women who are really great, but when it gets too good, he does something to mess it up. He can't seem to get it right. Should I confront him? Or just ride it out and be there for him?
ANSWER:
Is your friend's name Jared? Because seriously, there is a very logical reason why my friend and I were burning that voodoo doll that sort of resembled him. I swear!
Anyway, its always interesting to analyze a friend's dating habits and see the patterns that they have. "Judge not, lest ye be judged" might be an honorable motto to live by, but its no fun. Give me a glass of wine and a conversation about my friends' dating dilemmas and its pure entertainment. As far as your friend is concerned, it sounds like he luvs him some drama. Some people actually LIKE when their romantic interests show so much passion for them that they forfeit the normal boundaries of "healthy" dating patterns. Aside from the need to be needed and loved in a passionate-but-pyscho way, some people might also fear commitment, and being in these types of relationships also prevents them from staying in them too long. I mean, seriously, does any one really believe that Flavor Flav or Brett Michaels are looking for LOVE and COMMITMENT on a show mostly filled with borderline-personality-attention-hungry-narcissists? As a friend, you can try to talk to him about what he wants in a partner and in a relationship, but if you are not big on talking about emotions, just serve as a role model. That is, if you yourself are not a candidate to have your own Rock-of-Love show.

Not-so-Neighborly

QUESTION:
Dear Pop Shrinks,
Recently at my neighbor's party, I overheard her talking about me to her close friend. She made it seem as if she just sort of tolerated me. I didn't actually catch her saying any of this, but I heard it and it made me feel like she thinks she's too cool for me. It hurt my feelings. Normally, I don't care too much about what people say, especially if I don't know them. But she is my neighbor, and I see her almost every day. And I thought we were friends, but I guess not. What should I do?

ANSWER:

Are you the Ned Flanders of the neighborhood? Have you been missing obvious clues that your neighbor doesn't like you, like when she steals your paper, blatantly ignores your friendly overtures , and makes fun of you with her family? If so, you have to ask yourself, "Do I enjoy being blissfully unaware, or do I want to stop spending my energy trying to befriend people who write songs about how stupid I am?" If the latter, I would suggest that you remain cordial to your neighbor but don't utter more than a "hello" or "nice day". Find people in the neighborhood who share your interests and are more sincere. You may be surprised when sooner or later your aloof personality makes your neighbor become more friendly. She might even pull a Homer and start calling you her "Best Friend."

Heinous Hubby

QUESTION:

Dear Pop Shrinks
I don't like my friend's husband very much, but I love her. Whenever we hang out as a group, he is boorish, loud, and must always be the center of attention. I've also noticed that he puts her down sometimes, not in front of our group of friends, but in front of me. How can I be friends with her, and spend time with her, without him being around? And am I supposed to be honest with her about how I feel about him?

ANSWER:
Emotionally-abusive husbands might have made for some good TV in the 90's but in reality, being married to an Al Bundy from Married with Children sucks! Of course no one really knows what is happening in a relationship between two people except those that are in the relationship, but as a friend, it can be hard to see someone you care about in a seemingly damaging situation. Peg Bundy often got her "revenge" by not really caring about Al's antics and doing her own thing. She enjoyed her life (and her bon bons) on her own terms. Maybe you can help your friend do the same. You can spend time with her doing things that are fun, interesting and encourage independence. Make standing "dates" to do Girls-Night-Out or start projects together that might even make you some money. And save yourself from abuse by not being the Marcy-Darcy-type who shows up at Al's home knowing she'll get dissed. Al needs an audience for his bad behavior, but when no one finds it interesting anymore, his show will get cancelled.

Cowardly Co-worker's Crush

QUESTION:

Dear Pop Shrink,
I have a crush on my co worker but I don't know if she feels the same way. She's so hot that I stare at her a lot and I think I have caught her staring at me. I try to time it so we are walking in the office at the same time and I also make it a point to be in the break room whenever she's in there too. A buddy of mine knows her well and has told me she's pretty cool, so I do kinda know a lot about her. The problem is, we have not actually had a conversation. How can I get her to agree to go out with me without seeming too eager and stalker-y?

ANSWER:
I would like to officially say that women don't like a stalker, in fact Stalkers are bad! But on a lighter note, we do like it when people we also secretly like, are so sublimely smitten that they would risk everything for us. They would go against their natural demonic urges to be near us. They would save us from potential death from a car crash. They would even fight another vampire to the death to save us (sigh!)... but I digress. I would definitely say that before you become more of a scary stalker than an besotted blood-sucker (like Edward Cullen from Twilight), you get a better sense of whether the object of your affections has any interest in you. Test the waters by starting a conversation about the weather or offering her an apple (okay maybe that only works in Twlight) but do start talking to the girl. After a few conversations let it be known that you have an extra concert ticket or would like to check out a new restaurant and would she be interested? While we like to be swept off our feet, we also have to be interested. And never underestimate confidence. Good Luck!

Freeloading Friend

QUESTION:
Dear Pop Shrink Julie,
A friend of mine who I've known for years keeps coming over to my house unexpectedly, usually during dinner time. She also owes me money and has started asking to borrow my clothes. What can I do to stop her from mooching and get my money back?

ANSWER:
Have you ever come home and walked in on your friend and one of her chubby cronies making sausages in your kitchen while dancing to Polka music?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAUP1wsmqUU
If not, then at least your friend is not quite the frenzied freeloader as Kramer from Seinfeld. Its amazing how much Jerry let him get away with. But if you think about it, maybe Kramer didn't have money but he provided other things like offers to get him free (illegal) cable for his TV, a chance to wear a pirate shirt during a televised interview, interesting and sometimes suprisingly solid advice, and boundless entertainment. Perhaps you can make a list of the good things this person does bring into your life that is "priceless". If the list falls short, she might be like Kenny Bania, the wanna be, whom Jerry just does NOT find appealing as a friend. But, even if you do find that this person has valuable friendship contributions, and just want to have boundaries with her, prepare for that important conversation. Take a deep breath, repeat "Serenity now!" and address the issue as directly as Puddy did when he asked Elaine if she stole his "Jesus Fish". Just be careful to use "I" statements or you might end up with a Newman like nemesis.

Broke and Boyfriendless

QUESTION:
Dear PCP,
A couple of months ago, I moved from Chicago to LA to live with my boyfriend. I left a good job with the hopes I would find one quickly in LA. Last week my boyfriend broke up with me. I've got no job, no place to live and very few friends. What should I do?




ANSWER:
I say, take some lessons from Britney Spears. Noooo, don't shave your head, show off your private parts to awaiting paparazzi, or perform, scantily-clad at an internationally televised show seemingly drunk and half naked. And DON'T in any way, think its a good idea to hang out with Paris and Lindsay, even for photo ops! I am talking about making a come back in a big way. Britney seemed to be on the verge of oblivion, people wrote her off as over. But the true Diva that she is, she has managed to work her way back to the top. What it takes is a belief in yourself, a few supportive folks behind you, and determination. Why don't you:
1) Talk to the friends you do have and find a roomie
2) If you don't want to go back to the type of job you just left, search around for a temporary job until you know what you want to do
3) Find out what you are passion about then go after them aggressively
4) Go back to school, even if its part time
4) Seek supportive people to surround yourself
5) Stay away from negative people and users
Yes, when Britney's not Toxic or Chaotic, she, like you, can get Stronger and Lucky. Ooops I did it again! will mean that once again you have come out on top. Now is the time to re-invent your self! Good luck!

Bothersome Boss

QUESTION:
Dear Pop Shrink
My boss is a pain in the you-know-what. When he gives me assignments he doesn't clearly explain what he wants so he watches me every step of the way and then ends of doing most it himself anyway. How can I ever feel I'm good at what I'm doing if he never gives me the proper direction in the first place?
-Frustrated!

ANSWER:
Some people were meant to lead, others were put here on this earth to torture us. I know, that doesn't sound very helpful, but the truth is there are bosses out there who are so awful that, not only should they not be in charge, they shouldn't be in public. The best way to handle bosses or any one who is severely lacking in communication skills is to set up ways to get them to clarify. As much as possible, get that person to write down, explain or even show examples of how they want something done so that you have a clear idea of what success looks like, sounds like and feels like to them. If that doesn't work, you can always do what I used to do to my perfectionist dad when he gave me chores. Do the required job just badly enough so that it looks like you are trying hard, but he will just end up doing it himself (and you can go watch TV/play on the computer while he does it)

Bitter-Best-Buddy

QUESTION:

Chris Cutter at 8:50pm December 2

One of my best friends in the whole world keeps going to a restaurant co-owned by a loser that was very rude to me. Why is my friend so lame? ; p

ANSWER:
Dear Bitter-Best-Buddy
Oh wow... sounds like someone is holding on to some grudges? Maybe you should take a cue from "Samantha Who?" and get a case of amnesia. Its time to "forget" old traumas! Life is too short to live with negative vibes.
P.S. Your friend might really like the food!

Nosy-Neighbor-Nuisance

QUESTION:

Eunice Ortegon at 7:37pm December 2

My neighbor is always out at the exact same time as me. Is he spying on me or do we just have the same work schedule?

ANSWER:
Dear Nosy-Neighbor-Nuisance:
You can take this predicament in two ways. 1) Like Cesar Milan, of the Dog Whisperer, you are a "Pack Leader" and your neighbor is merely following your lead. Let him know you are Dominant and this neighbor will always respect you. or 2) You might have a Larry David/Curb Your Enthusiasm perspective, and believe this guy is up to no good. If the latter, I would suggest that you confront him, look him in the eyes for an uncomfortable length of time and then expect some crazy antics to play out. Might not solve the problem, but it will be great for re telling at a party.

Facebook Foibles

QUESTION:

Tamara Lelie at 3:37pm December 2

Dear Julie, can you please tell me why FACEBOOK feels like the ENQUIRER to me?

ANSWER:
Dear Enquirering-Mind -
Facebook is actually more like GOSSIP GIRL in that it is interactive for the users and voyeurs , unlike mags like Enquirer or Star (or Life and Style, OK! US Weekly...) which get to decide what they put out. Like Gossip Girl, you can be the Gossiper or the Gossiped and sometimes both- but you're NOBODY until you are talked about (or until someone checks your status daily...what?!). Go ahead, do something scandalous and post it! XOXO Pop Shrink

Tetris Troubles

QUESTION

Maxine Tatlonghari wrote at 2:17pm

I find myself strangely drawn to Tetris. Any tips on breaking the addiction?

ANSWER:
Archie was once addicted to hand-held football games. Nothing Betty nor Veronica could do would get him to stop playing. that is, until they found NEW boyfriends. Suddenly, virtual games were not so fun...

Mom Matters

QUESTION:

Pop Shrink:
Can you tell me how to manage the unrealistic expectations of a chinese mom?! hee hee

ANSWER:
Red Wine! http://www.theonion.com/content/news/study_finds_link_between_red_wine
If you don't drink, try renting the Joy Luck Club for some answers. P.S. Don't let your mom eat Opium.